Pabst Blue Ribbon Hipsters

Ok, let me try to explain what these jack-offs are doing. They're playing a little game called "I'm a hipster, fuck you!" The game consists almost entirely of wearing, doing, and saying things "normal people" think are odd in order to draw attention to yourself. The more you can convince the world that you know better than to do whatever-the-hell-fucked-up-thing you are currently trying to make people look at, the more points you get in "IAHFY!". This self-absorbed game, and the megalomaniacal need for attention which underlies it, comes mostly from the fact that our generation has absolutely nothing to fight for or to define it. Hipster commandment #1 reads: "We have nothing to give a shit about, therefore we shall be ironic. Amen." Drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon isn't the latest trend that these MASTERS of individuality have begun but at 1-plus year of "in-ness" its one of the most enduring.

Here's what pisses me off about the PBR hipsters...their THING is irony and that's what drinking PBR is to them. Their "I-just-robbed-a-Goodwill-wardrobe" and quasi-intellectual drivel (laced with carefully chosen words they think you won't know the definition of) is a pretense meant to convey to whomever might be watching or listening that they KNOW what cool is. They also know that Pabst Blue Ribbon is (or was) the antithesis of cool because it's cheap, mass-produced, and has an out-dated Americana label. This is why they drink it: to show YOU that they are so very cool they can do what is considered uncool and therefore make it cool. Cool...

This is a man is drinking Pabst. He drinks Pabst because he likes Pabst. He's been drinking it his whole life. When he goes to the store he doesn't even look at the micro-brews. He just walks in every week and buys a case because this is his beer. This man and poor frat boys are the bread and butter of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Not that PBR isn't happy to see the slight sales bump they get from the Hipster Crowd's latest trend (it's currently at #3 in the top 10 hipster things to do - just behind trying to look like Tom-fucking-Sawyer: LOST IN THE FUTURE!); I'm sure they're ecstatic. But when the hipster crowd moves on to whatever the hive-mind tells them to love next, Pabst isn't going to miss them THAT much.

In all honesty, I just want people to do what they like because they actually like it. Not because their friends think it's cool or because they look around and notice that it's the new "in-thing" to do. If you really like Pabst, if you just can't stop drinking that golden nectar of the grumpy-old-man, then fine - do it. But, I'm willing to bet that once that once it becomes a little too trendy, 90% percent of the hoard will put it down and pick up the next cool, cheap, ironic thing. That's fine, I can't play full time-hipster police, there's already a website just for that. Just don't let me catch you walking around with a bottle of Stella Artois because it's suddenly MORE-IRONIC for you to be a snobbish, consumer whore.

END.