Captain Morgan Tattoo – Rum Review

The Captain. He hung on your dorm room wall for four solid years promoting his tasty low-cost rum to the college masses. It's a good rum. A wholesome rum. The kind of rum you can take home to your alcoholic mother. But, you see, one day The Captain saw you had another booze on your wall; a younger booze, a prettier booze with a tight ass that you gave an affectionate nickname to and, well, The Captain got jealous...

When I first started drinking I looked upon this bottle longingly. It was the mystery of what might be contained within that drew me in. The old Captain that I loved had a new style and I couldn't wait to try it. Little did I know I already had tried it in a similarly black bottle except this one had a deer on it.

Alright, enough beating around the bush; I'm just going to say it. Captain Morgan totally ripped off Jaegermeister with this one and they did it in a bad way. Jaeger isn't exactly the kind of high class liquor you sip from a snifter but, damn could The Captain have gone any more wrong with this one? It's like they took all of the sweet herbal qualities out of Jaeger, while somehow leaving the bitter and then slapped the kind of bullshit name four Ad-Men from the 80's would dream up. OH! And are those quasi-tribal-tatts on the bottle? Why yes they are! Are their any lamer tattoos in existence? No, sir, there are not.

In my head, I imagine the original pitch for Captian Morgan Tattoo went something like this:

Smee - "Mr. President, I have some bad news, the kids aren't drinking as much Captain Morgan as they used to.

The Cap - "Shiver me fuckin' timbers, my profits be dwindlin! What be the problem laddy?"

Smee - "Tis a new whore at bay by the name of Jaeger; they say she does things with her one good arm that would make a man forget that thing on her neck"

The Cap - "Aye, there be only one thing to do. Steal me some Jaeger, add some of me rum to it and call it "Tattoo." That's what all the kiddies be drinkin' these days, aye?"

Smee - Arrrrr Captain.

The Cap - Arrrrr

Smee - Arrrrr

Yep, I bet that's exactly how it went. The thing is, I don't really mind rip-offs. If you can take something I like and make it better and sell it cheaper then I will buy it. I'm all for naked cut-throat capitalism. But if you're gonna rip off an established brand at least do it well. This is further proof that Captain Morgan has no real friends. Real friends don't let their friends release blatant rip-offs unless they're at least as good as the original.

F+/ $18 / Don't buy this unless you're a consumer-whore like me who just can't resist.