WARNING: Alcohol (STILL) leads to babies.

But they're SOOOO cute!

LOOK OUT ladies. According to The Telegraph moderate alcohol consumption actually IMPROVES sexual performance. The Telegraph is a "nice" publication so let me translate: "Sexual Performance" = Boners. This means "Whiskey Dick" is a myth and it also means that THIS GUY is the greatest lover known to man:

Eat your heart out Brad Pitt.

From the Article:

Those who were low risk drinkers - consuming up to four drinks a day for up to five days a week - were found to have a "favourable association" with positive erectile function.

Weekend drinkers and binge drinkers had lower rates of erectile dysfunction than those who drank one day a week or less, according to the research.

Those at greatest risk of poor performance in bed were heavy drinkers who had stopped drinking, those who smoke and sufferers of heart disease.

The scariest implications of this study is that since evolution doesn't necessarily favor the best and brightest among us (just those who breed the most), "whiskey dicks" for all the binge drinkers would be a good thing. If you're curious what happens when only the dumb survive check out the funniest/scariest movie I've seen in years: Idiocracy.  (If you haven't seen it yet you need to. This clip is slightly NSFW due to language.)

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Jameson Irish Whiskey Mystery!

As none of you know...when I'm not Booze-Blogging I'm delivering Chinese food to ungrateful college kids. Usually this means distributing a liberal smattering of dirty-looks to cheap bastards with selective illiteracy (when it comes to writing me a tip). But every now and then you'll meet a really nice chap who offers you a drink...of sorts. Full Disclosure: Jameson did NOT pay me to post this but I DID sip the very last taste from the bottle...

This bottle was given to me by one such fellow who was enjoying its final remaining dram. According to him it was purchased by his father some 20 + years ago and has been sitting in a bar ever since. I make it a point to ask what people are drinking whenever I meet someone with a cocktail in hand (happens more than you think) and "here take the bottle" is easily the best response I've ever gotten. Although, "DUDE YOU WANT A JAGER BOMB?" is at least hospitable if not quite as exciting.

So my question is: Does ANYBODY have a clue when this bottle is was made? #2.How much do you think I can get for this on Antiques Roadshow. (What if I forged Elvis' signature on the back?") Speaking of...

(Much like everything Americans imported from Ireland, Jameson was originally though to possess Magical Leprechaun Powers. Hence the need for 4 points clarifying that it is indeed Whiskey. )

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It’s Labor Day…

What the hell are you doing here?

You should be celebrating the American way - by eating something that had a face.  Get off these stupid Internets and go do something with your life, ya bum. Don't forget to crack open a Pabst (un-ironically) and salute Old Glory while you're at it, ya Commie.

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Booze Reviews: Shaker’s Vodka – Wheat & Rye

According to their website, Shakers vodka is hot-stuff. Apparently their Wheat variety received a grade of 100 from Wine Enthusiast Magazine - the only vodka ever to achieve such an honor from the enthusiasts of wine. The Rye variety won a Double Gold Medal at the San Francisco World Spirits competition (This means ALL the judges gave it a Gold Medal rating). So I guess we can just pack it in and go home cause Shakers Vodka is obviously pretty damn cool, right? NOT SO FAST SHAKERS! You and your swanky little bottles still have to pass...

So, Shakers Vodkas are distilled from either Wheat or Rye and one would expect quite a bit of difference between the two varieties. But is there REALLY that much difference between ANY vodka? Well, that's what I set out to discover. Here's what I did. I wrote a small "R" and a small "W" on the bottom of each of my snifters and then filled each with an equal amount of either the Rye or Wheat variety from Shakers. As for objectivity, you would be AMAZED how easy it is to forget which vodka is in which container when they both look EXACTLY the same.

I can TOTALLY tell the difference...can't YOU?

So, I've got to be honest here. Even with the "semi-scientific-almost-double-blind-taste-test" I couldn't tell a difference between these two vodkas. Now maybe that's my in-experience as a vodka-taster. But If the differences between these vodkas is anything but VERY subtle - I can't taste it. They ARE distilled from different grains but I think the idea with these was smoothness and purity first, flavor second. Shakers even has a proprietary method for removing impurities in their vodka because these days not just ANY smoothness will do. Distillers are going for smoothness right up to the edge of tasting like purified water. It's as if, these days, vodka companies are playing chicken-- with flavor. "WHO CAN GET CLOSER TO PURE ETHANOL WITHOUT MAKING EVER-CLEAR!!!"

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Pabst Blue Ribbon Hipsters

Ok, let me try to explain what these jack-offs are doing. They're playing a little game called "I'm a hipster, fuck you!" The game consists almost entirely of wearing, doing, and saying things "normal people" think are odd in order to draw attention to yourself. The more you can convince the world that you know better than to do whatever-the-hell-fucked-up-thing you are currently trying to make people look at, the more points you get in "IAHFY!". This self-absorbed game, and the megalomaniacal need for attention which underlies it, comes mostly from the fact that our generation has absolutely nothing to fight for or to define it. Hipster commandment #1 reads: "We have nothing to give a shit about, therefore we shall be ironic. Amen." Drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon isn't the latest trend that these MASTERS of individuality have begun but at 1-plus year of "in-ness" its one of the most enduring.

This is what a REAL PBR drinker looks like. It's ok, I TOO am mesmerized by his man-boobs.

Here's what pisses me off about the PBR hipsters...their THING is irony and that's what drinking PBR is to them. Their "I-just-robbed-a-Goodwill-wardrobe" and quasi-intellectual drivel (laced with carefully chosen words they think you won't know the definition of) is a pretense meant to convey to whomever might be watching or listening that they KNOW what cool is. They also know that Pabst Blue Ribbon is (or was) the antithesis of cool because it's cheap, mass-produced, and has an out-dated Americana label. This is why they drink it: to show YOU that they are so very cool they can do what is considered uncool and therefore make it cool. Cool...

GRUMBLE!

This is a man is drinking Pabst. He drinks Pabst because he likes Pabst. He's been drinking it his whole life. When he goes to the store he doesn't even look at the micro-brews. He just walks in every week and buys a case because this is his beer. This man and poor frat boys are the bread and butter of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Not that PBR isn't happy to see the slight sales bump they get from the Hipster Crowd's latest trend (it's currently at #3 in the top 10 hipster things to do - just behind trying to look like Tom-fucking-Sawyer: LOST IN THE FUTURE!); I'm sure they're ecstatic. But when the hipster crowd moves on to whatever the hive-mind tells them to love next, Pabst isn't going to miss them THAT much.

In all honesty, I just want people to do what they like because they actually like it. Not because their friends think it's cool or because they look around and notice that it's the new "in-thing" to do. If you really like Pabst, if you just can't stop drinking that golden nectar of the grumpy-old-man, then fine - do it. But, I'm willing to bet that once that once it becomes a little too trendy, 90% percent of the hoard will put it down and pick up the next cool, cheap, ironic thing. That's fine, I can't play full time-hipster police, there's already a website just for that. Just don't let me catch you walking around with a bottle of Stella Artois because it's suddenly MORE-IRONIC for you to be a snobbish, consumer whore.

END.

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365 Drinks a Year: #28,431 Cherry Beertail

The halo around the Cherry Heering appeared spontaneously. I expect the Vatican will canonize me as "Patron Saint of Booze" any day now.

HOLY SHIT! It's a cocktail on Boozeblogger! Yes, yes we suck at keeping you updated on our cocktail creations. Now that I have a working camera AND card reader we should be able to pick up where we left off. Which means in order to hit 365 I'm going to have to do about 4 cocktails a day for the rest of the year (and then promptly check myself  into rehab on January 1st).

I'm not sure, but I think I may have committed another booze-sin with this one. Not sure the Snobby Ding Dongs out there will approve of this one or not but I like it because it tastes like fruit punch and that's just plain awesome.

Cherry Beertail

12oz Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat

1/2 oz Cointreau (or a similar orange liqueur)

1/2 oz Cherry Heering liqueur

Garnish with a cherry or three.

Poor it in and stir it up is about all you have to do with this one. Play with the proportions if you like but this is pretty well balanced even if its a bit on the sweet side of the drink-spectrum. Cheers.

"Forgive me, father Robert Hess. For I have sinned against ye in thought, word, and drink."

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Booze Reviews: Belvedere Pink Grapefruit Vodka

I would be very curious to learn what goes into deciding on new flavors of vodka for brands like Belvedere. Why Grapefruit? Is it because nobody else has done grapefruit? Maybe its that lovely face malort-type face everyone makes when they taste one. Whatever it is Belvedere's Pink Grapefruit is making the rounds at all the trendy cocktail parties and so it must now face the Boozebloggers.

First of all Belvedere REALLY wants you to know that they DO NOT flavor vodka. That shit is for pussies. (Seriously, they sent me a card along with the bottle that said "We don't FLAVOR our vodka...") No, flavoring isn't good enough for Belvedere. For them the only way to flavor vodka is MACERATION! Check out the video below which is trying WAY too hard to be funny.

While I do have to give these people credit for trying to make fun of how "macerate" sounds an awful lot like "masturbate"(seriously, I respect that) I am also left a bit confused by the entire thing. Belvedere is a super-premium brand. That means it's quite expensive and most often purchased by people who can afford it, or by people who can't afford it but really like feeling like a hot-shot. One would think they would play up the "status-buy" rather than go for people like me who are poor and appreciate bad comedy. The whole video says "we want you to know we don't take ourselves entirely seriously but we ALSO want you to "special" for buying our vodka." I do appreciate the info about how "maceration" differs from other methods of flavoring vodka but the question is: "Does maceration taste better?" They sure think it does, but since I've only got the Pink Grapefruit to go on I really can't say...

So what's the verdict? Well, honestly I can't say I'm a huge fan of this stuff. The Belvedere people may not like me for that but I've nearly drained the 200ml bottle they sent me so you can't say I didn't try. My first impression with this stuff was "sour and bitter" and as long as I drank it straight those were the highest points of the experience. That is what STUCK OUT above whatever macerated-goodness was in the vodka. I could taste the grapefruit clearly, yes...the lemon peel is present and the ginger is a bit too present, but the overall bitter-sour-not-so-sweetness of it all left me cold. The only time I was really able to enjoy this stuff was in a few of their cocktails. One was a variation on the Cosmo that uses a bit of Domaine de Canton, which I'm a fan of, to sweeten it up. The other was a "Pink Honey Sour" which also benefitted from the sweetness. The problem is that, while these drinks are a nice change of pace, they are not KILLER COCKTAILS that make me want to run out and buy Pink Grapefruit. Whether you'll be a fan or not is anybody's guess, but I'd recommend trying this one at a bar before running out and buying a bottle.

Grade: C+ Price: $28

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HOLY SHIT! THERE’S A COCKTAIL-NINJA!

Teach me your ways Master...

I can't make it any bigger so full-screen that shit.

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Booze Reviews: BlackBeard Spiced Rum

You know what makes you feel both special and a little bit frightened? No, it's not being an altar-boy, silly! It's when someone sends you booze that you didn't expect! This only happens for a select few of us, but I can say that I am both flattered and a little bit creeped out at how easy it was for a stranger to send me a random package. This has happened twice now. Once with a vodka called Vesica (which sent us 3.5 LITERS of their stuff unannounced) and now with BlackBeard.

I went with option #5: "Immediately open strange package and put contents into your mouth."

Actually, I'm betting that the good people at the Seralles Distillery sent us this package as we reviewed their DonQ line of aged rums a few months ago and they are the people handling the distribution of Blackbeard. This is an 86 proof rum and according to the glowing press release sent along with the bottle, it is apparently bottled "directly from God's vagina." I'm not sure how they got access to such distilling methods but the results really are quite nice.

For review I immediately compared this with the only other spiced rum I have on hand: Sailor Jerry's. I would have liked to put this up against The Kraken, but alas, I am all out (HINT-TITTY-HINT-HINT KRAKEN PEOPLE!). One day I would like to do a Booze Battle between these. Sailor Jerry's is a fine spiced rum that I would put beneath The Kraken but above the ubiquitous Captain Morgan who, like a colonial whore, spends most of it's time in the hands of college boys. As for the taste, BlackBeard beats out Sailor Jerry by a nose with a stronger vanilla flavor and a good deal more spice, which I like. The only comment I have is that the bottle makes it look cheaper than The Sailor, The Captain, or The Kraken. Whether or not this will effect it's sales remains to be seen.

Our Grade: A- Price: I did not receive a price-point for this but I would guess that its similar to their other rums (around $15)

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