Beer Review: Arctic Panzer Wolf
Let’s face it, our society can’t last much longer, look around you and observe the great hedonistic consumption machine that is America. If I’m right and the apocalypse is upon us then we're really only going to need one thing. Beer. We have to be realistic here, not just any beer will do in a dystopian-big brother-future run entirely by zombies, we need a beer of epic proportions, we need ARCTIC PANZER WOLF. As Mao Zedong once said “There is great disorder under heaven, the situation is excellent.” The situation is indeed excellent if you can sip on a great bottle of Three Floyds Arctic Panzer Wolf while watching Zardoz drop guns on the barbarian hordes.
This picture gives me the weirdest boner.
Three Floyds is infamous for pumping out extraordinary beers and Arctic Panzer Wolf is no exception. Arctic Panzer Wolf is an intense explosion of citrus, pine, sweet malt, and hops! This beer pours out a decently thick head, maybe a half of an inch, but it disappears quickly (probably within the first few minutes, so enjoy it while it lasts.) The beer has a nice orange/brown color with a little bit of haze floating through. Upon first whiff, your nose will be overpowered with hops and pine! The taste follows nicely with the smell, the hops sort of fade into the citrus and the malt, for being a Three Floyds beer it didn’t have an overly hoppy taste to it. Some of the more hoppy beers out there often over power the taste, but APW hits you mostly at the finish and then lingers a bit in the after taste. The mouth feel may have been my favorite part; APW is a dry beer with a great amount of carbonation.
I think this is an arctic panzer wolf.
Overall, Arctic Panzer Wolf is great on a hot day when you’re trying to outrun the flesh eating zombie communist hordes who want to procreate with your sister…or on any other just regular day.
Our Rating: 5/5 (Highest Recommendation) Check it out at: www.3floyds.com
Beer Review: Skullsplitter!
Sweet Odin’s beard! Skullsplitter is a beer that will quench the eternal fires of Múspellsheimr. No mortal can withstand the sweet ambrosia that is skullsplitter. Skullsplitter is brewed amongst the Orkney Islands, which make up the largest island chain in the UK. The Orkney Islands are home to the most well preserved Neolithic archaeological sites through out the entire UK, the Orkney Brewery takes that inheritance and has made an overwhelmingly delicious Strong Ale, Skullsplitter. Skullsplitter is named for Thorfinn Einarsson who was the 7th Viking Earl of Orkney.
It tastes way better than this.
Technically speaking Skullsplitter is a strong ale weighing in at 8.5%; it’s often listed as a barley wine, but it caries more strong ale characteristics than it does barley wine. First, the pour is great, it’s a brownish mahogany with an ivory cap of foam that fades as you drink it. The nose of skullsplitter is mainly a vanilla and fruit characteristics, think dates, brown sugar, plums, molasses. The taste pretty well follows suite with dominant characteristics of brown sugar, molasses, and maybe just a hint of something smokey. Skullsplitter sits in your mouth with a velvety smooth texture, moderate carbonation and goes down very smooth despite it’s overall heavy body.
Skullsplitter is definitely something to pick up whenever you see it and if you have the fortitude stick a bottle or two away for a while because it will age well. Skullsplitter would pair well with a variety of food, red meat (like that of your conquered enemies), strong cheeses, pasta, or just for desert. So, Pick up some Skullsplitter next time you are going to ride into epic battle, sitting at the endless table of victory in Valhalla, or getting your ass kicked by frost giants.
Our Grade: ***** (Highest Recommendation) Check it out at: www.sinclairbreweries.co.uk
Booze Reviews: Three Floyds’ Gumball Head
Three Floyds is a brewery that's been pumping out amazing beer since 1996. After 15 years of brewing they're kind of a big deal. “How Big?” you may ask. Well, their “Dark Lord' brew is widely regarded as one of the best beers in the world, is only available one day of the year, and is instantly resold at a premium by beer-scalping-pirates. I've not had it, but I'm considering selling my firstborn and using the proceeds to buy a case.
Anyway, I had occasion to visit their brewpub in Munster, Indiana not too long ago and I was not disappointed. The food was great, sure, but the beer was fantastic.The first beer I had was their Gumballhead, which is an American Wheat Ale that Three Floyds with the goal of making an American Wheat Ale that “doesn't suck.”. It was unlike any wheat ale I've ever had before. Namely, because of the hops. With a wheat beer, what you typically expect is a light malty flavor, sometimes with some fruit and occasionally (if you're into Belgian Ales) some living yeast flavors (which tends to add a kind of banana-esque flavor to the beer).
You don't usually expect the sweet citrus and bitterness that comes from an excess of hoppage in a wheat beer. But holy shit do the Floyd boys love their hops. I don't believe I have ever experienced a beer this hoppy before with the exception of a homebrewed Pale Ale my uncle gave me (and to be fair, that was a fucking hoppy beer). If your personal "Good Wheat Beer Equation" is: Good Wheat + Hops = AWESOME WHEAT BEER then you'll love Gumballhead.
He's totally gonna fuck that beer when you stop looking.
Their website says that the Gumball Head has grapefruit, lemon zest, marmalade, and peach, but all I was able to taste was the grapefruit and peach. Actually there was a fairly low bitterness for as many hops as were in it, which was definitely not what I was expecting from an extraordinarily hoppy beer. This can be said for almost any of the beers made by Three Floyds: if hops aren't your thing, then stay the fuck away. You might die. Seriously. Bottom line? It's a wheat ale that doesn't suck. Huzzah!
Our Rating: **** out of 5 (Buy It If You See It) www.3floyds.com
Booze Reviews: Goose Island Matilda
Objectively speaking, Anheuser-Busch "sucks ass" and what they do to craft breweries makes me rage harder and more furious than a rabid bear riding on the back of three hurricane Katrina’s while tripping on a triple dose of meth. Though, the exception to the above rule is Goose Island; come on, Goose Island isn’t really an Anheuser-Busch product, they’ve just been bought out by them (which I guess means that when I buy Goose Island my money goes to A-B...which makes my inner ethical Utilitarian rage again!). Once again, speaking objectively Goose Islands best brew of all time is Matilda. If one were to venture into the world of forms and find the form of beer, this is what you would find.
Matilda is a perfect Belgian Pale ale for sipping on a hot-as-balls day in the pit of hell that is Southern Illinois.It's an extra-ordinary beer, so lets take it slow. First, it pours a sort of transparent-apricot-peachy-amberish with a quarter of an inch of white foam (if you pour it right). There’s a multitude of good smells that one can identify, the most prominent of the smells for was a very bready yeast (you know that really good biscuit sort of smell that Belgian Ales are famous for) followed by some citrus (it reminded me most of lemon, orange, or maybe something more tropical). A majority of the taste was malt with some spice and fruit towards the end. Overall the taste reminded me a little bit of lemonade with honey and cloves. The mouth feel of this beer was especially good, not too carbonated and a little on the dry side.
After loosing multiple bids for a congressional seat, Abe Lincoln said to himself: "Fuck this noise, I'll build my own White House."
In spite of the monster known as Anheuser-Busch-InBev-With-The-Devil that has consumed this craft brewery, Matilda is still a fantastic beer and it deserves your attention. I would highly suggest picking up a bottle and just let it age for a while, but get real who has the patience for that kind of thing? Maybe buy two bottles and let one age….or buy 10 bottles…or 20…..what I’m getting at here is that this beer is good so drink it.
Our Rating: **** out of 5 (Highly Recommended) www.gooseisland.com
Review: Newcastle DraughtKeg
If you've been drinking beer for any length of time you've discovered that your favorite brew is always just a bit better when you get it on tap. But unless you live above a bar (I have a very lucky friend who actually does) then getting a drink of your favorite at its best is never quite as easy as walking to your fridge. Enter DraughtKeg, which promises to make all your "I wish my fridge had beer on tap dreams" come true.
You might say the Draught Keg goes both ways.
The infamous Pope-basher, Protestsant Reformer, and heavy drinker; Martin Luther, once said that "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." If the 5 liter kegs from the good people at DraughtKeg aren't proof of a loving God then I don't know what is. As far as I know they are currently only producing Draught Kegs for NewCastle and Heiniken, but that list should grow in the future. Their kegs pair with a device called a Beertender which keeps your mini-keg cold and dispenses it in style. They're around $100 and fairly stylish if you're into that sort of thing. Luckily the DraughtKeg does NOT require a Beertender to work.
You've probably seen a lot of other mini-kegs in stores lately. At first glance they look like the same product. The reality is that the DraughtKeg is completely different in that it contains an internal pressurization device (which sounds just like that thing in a can of spray paint) that keeps the beer fresh, carbonated, and properly pumping for up to 30 days. You'll notice that all the other kegs have their spouts at the bottom. So what you're really paying for is a big metal thing emblazoned with a brand that someone attached a spicket to. The DraughtKeg, on the other hand, pumps directly from the top just like a real keg. (Note: You don't actually have to pump it.)
What about the beer? Significantly better than the bottle, I say. The flavor is smoother and creamier than any bottle of Newcastle I've had. It's cheaper too. When measured by the pint you're paying about $2.18 each. It'll run you slightly more vs. the rate on a 6 pack, but it also takes up less room. Bottom line. I'm a fan and I want you to go buy this, so eventually we can have all our favorite beers sold this way. Ok? Thanks.
Our Rating: **** (Highly Recommended) Price: MSRP $22.99 (but can be found much cheaper)
Review: Trumer Pilsner
Awhile back I got an email from someone with a quote claiming Trumer Pils was the best Pilsner style beer in the world. Now, that quote came from a guy named Lars Larson (brewmaster for Trumer's Berkley brewery) and I make it a point never to trust a man who's first and last name are so similar. We got our hands on a few bottles of this brew awhile back and last night we took them for a spin.
Trumer Pils has taken the gold medal for german style pilsners in a number of the more prestigious beer competitions. Most notably the World Beer Cup in 2008 and the Great American Beer Festival in 2010. Now this doesn't absolutely prove anything. But these are double blind tasting competitions performed by professional alcoholics. So don't take it with too many grains of salt. (How exactly do grains of salt lead one to the truth anyway?)
Pilsner is a style of beer that arose in the mid 1900's in Pilsen, Bohemia out of people's frustration with Bohemian beers which were much darker and more inconsistant. Entire barrels were destroyed in protest until city officials founded a new brewery, in 1839, which brewed beer in the Bavarian style of brewing. It was called Bürger Brauerei or Citizen's Brewery and it produced a lighter, better flavored, more shelf-stable brew. And there was much rejoicing:
Freddie Mercury was particularly excited and wrote a song! Something about rhapsody...
In 2004 Trumer Pils built a distillery in Berkeley, California in an effort to share the pilsner gospel with these here United States. Everything is the same in Berkeley, right down to the hops and malt which are imported from the Czech Republic and Austria; where the original distillery is located. The only thing they didn't import is the water which I hear california has quite a lot of.
So is it the best Pilsner in the world? Seriously? Well, maybe after I track down every other pilsner in production I can answer that question for you. Until then I can say that it's a tasty beer. Even though its a german style brew, which are sometimes quite bitter, I was able to drink this happily without wincing. It's highly carbonated and produces a very nice head. So while I can't say if it's the best in the world I will tell you that its a very enjoyably brew that I would gladly pick up again. OH, and it has awesome looking beer ladies on the bottle caps.
Our Grade: A Price: $9 for a 6-pack. www.trumer-international.com
Lars Larson says there's even a perfect way to poor it.
Booze Reviews: Wild Blue – Blueberry Lager
I know what you're thinking. "JEEZE! Could you DRINK anymore fruity beer?" Yes, sir. I believe I could....I think it all goes back to my mother, really. Who, though she loves a nice beer, is afraid of the family curse and so avoids it - except in moments of weakness or celebration. So, my first impressions of beer told me that it was something to be both fearer and savored. As it is with any forbidden thing you imagine that the "THING" must be so very amazing that (insert deity/authority-figure here) MUST be keeping it for themself! As you might imagine, my first taste (as soon as nobody was looking) left me just a tad bit disappointed...
Something like this but with booze.
There was only one conclusions to be drawn: Beer must be made from soap. Like coffee, beer must just be one of those crazy things adults call "acquired tastes." Which has always seems like a misnomer to me because nobody "acquires" a taste for the truly good things in life: Twinkies, Oreos, Cheetos, heroin, doughtnuts, pizza, and cheeseburgers. You don't have to LEARN to like these things because they're already AWESOME. Beer, for me, is not one of those already awesome things. I'm learning to enjoy it's subtleties and the different varieties, but until I acquire that taste you're going to have to bare with me.
Which brings us to this crazy bull-dog-labeled blueberry brew. What I can say is, if you're a fan of things like Berry Weiss you're probably going to like this. It's ACTUALLY purple. I'm sure that's not a selling point for everyone but I thought it was a nice touch. The taste is more of a vague fruitiness than a full on blueberry, which is kind of a let down. But over all it was an enjoyable drink. It's not something that asks too much investment from you and it's happy to play second fiddle to whatever you eat with it. I like that in a beer. Like I said, I'm a BIT disappointed that this didn't include more straightforward blueberry flavor, but I'd still drink it again...you know, when nobody's looking.
Rating: *** (Recommended) Price: $7.50 for a 6-pack.